John's Story

My name is John. I grew up in the Midwest. I came from a loving LDS family. We went to church every Sunday. I served a mission for the LDS Church and loved every minute of it. When I returned home, I moved to Utah. I felt I wanted to be surrounded with people who shared the same values as I did.

Life in Utah was great. I had a good job, great friends, and the quality of life was excellent. Something wasn't right. I began to go to church less and less. After a while I began to question my sexuality. I started going out to the clubs. Pretty soon I decided I was gay. Now being a gay man isn't easy. Being a gay man in Utah is even harder. I knew in my heart that the decision I made was right. However, society told me it was morally wrong.

I certainly didn't want the world to know about me. I couldn't talk to my friends at work about it. I couldn't talk to my family about it. They would be hurt, disappointed, shocked. I had heard horror stories from other guys who’s families had disowned them. Their parents threw them out of their homes. It was hard to understand why people would act this way.

We all seek out of approval from others, thinking that if we gain it, everything else will work out just fine. I sought out my place of acceptance within the gay community. I found that since I was still living in secret, I wouldn't allow myself to become too close to people. I was afraid of being hurt or taken advantage of. That all changed when I found a small but very powerful friend: Meth.

I liked this new friend of mine. I felt like I was in control again. I no longer felt guilty or inadequate. I felt like I was an equal to all my friends. I had nothing to hide with them. I was now accepted. Unfortunately, this feeling was short lived. I needed to have it back. I longed for the weekend when I could feel this way again. I developed some very bad habits. I lied to my friends. I started to isolate myself from my loved ones. I manipulated people. But, I liked the time that I was high, because I didn't have to think or feel.

Pretty soon my thoughts and free time were devoted to finding that feeling again. I sought out people in the gay community who used Meth. Most of this use was centered around sex. Because our judgment and senses were impaired, we failed to make good decisions regarding sex and protection. I knew the risks that were involved, but chose to ignore them. In my ultimate quest for acceptance and love, I had made a silent decision that I didn't care enough about myself to use protection.

In December of 1999 I thought I had better be tested for HIV. I was still using drugs off and on and had put myself at risk many times. On December 19, 1999 I went to the health department for my results. The nurse sat me down and gave me the bad news. I have HIV. I was now part of a new group of people. Those living with HIV/AIDS.

I left two days later to spend Christmas with my family. I couldn’t bare to tell them my two huge secrets. The shock of having HIV didn't hit me until a month later. I needed to get away, to leave town and be by myself. I left for a long weekend and when I didn’t return to work, my boss called my emergency contact. My emergency contact called my parents. My parents called my apartment looking for me. They spoke to my roommate. He went into my room looking for any evidence of where I might be. He mentioned there were bottles of medications on my desk. With the information that was on the medications my parents called my doctor. While my doctor offered no information on me, they were able to figure out both my secrets.

This new information devastated my family. But I learned a valuable lesson from them. They loved me. They loved me and accepted me for who I was. They said that they would support me in this journey and wanted me to know that I didn’t have to go through this alone.

While I now had a new set of issues to deal with and my friend Meth was still hanging around and wanted to play, I now could live the way I wanted to. I no longer had to hide my feelings. I no longer had to lie about my sexuality. I felt a little better about who I was.

Paul's Story
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