Paul's Story

It's Saturday night. I have had a long day at work. I am stressed out. I have no boyfriend, my finances are a mess, I hate my job. Life just sucks! I hate feeling this way. I am depressed. I don't like the direction my life is going. I hate being HIV+, I hate taking meds. There is only one way that these feelings will go away. I want to feel like I belong. I want to forget about all my problems.

I sit down at my computer and log onto the Internet. I decide to see who's on gay.com. I log on as PnP4now. (PnP stands for Party and Play) I enter my stats--6'3", 210, 30, looking to PnP. I quickly get pop up messages from several people. They ask questions such as, "Where are you located?", "What do you get into sexually?", "Do you bareback?" I carry on several conversations. All the pertinent questions are asked. Do you have party favors? Can we "play" at your house? How do you do your favors, do you smoke, snort, slam, booty bump? Never are the important questions asked. Are you safe? What is your health status? Do you have any STDs?

I end up going over to a guy's house that has several people already playing. All of them are high on meth. There are no condoms in sight. It's time for me to join in. I now feel indestructible, I feel a surge of energy, I feel like I am an equal to these people before me. I no longer have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am no longer worried about my job, my finances, or even being HIV+. These guys don't judge me. I can now experience all those sexual things I have only fantasized about. No one asks questions. No one wants to know. All we care about is not feeling. I don't worry about practicing safe sex. These guys know the risks. Some of them might even want to get HIV. For some it is a rite of passage into the gay world. For some it gives them something to finally belong to, to be accepted.

My drug and sex binge goes on for a week. I barely function. I don't eat. I barely drink. All I want is for the high to continue, for the sex to get better. I want to feel like I felt last Saturday night when I first got high. People at work are starting to wonder about me. I am feeling jittery, irritable, and I haven't slept for five days. It's time to stop.

Eventually I sleep, eat, and recover. Recovery stinks. I feel like everyone but me is out there getting high and having fun. I am depressed. I realize I haven't taken any meds for a week. I have a doctor's appointment in 2 days. I better cancel it. I don't want my doctor to know I am using drugs again.

I have two days of sleep under my belt. I just got paid. I still remember last Saturday night. Life isn't any better. Screw this. I head for the computer again. When will this ever stop?

This story is very real for me. I have lived it and relived it many times. While the issues underlying my drug use are mine and mine alone, they exist in many different ways for others. Drug use in the gay community is rampant. More importantly is the fact that drug use is impairing our judgement and bringing life-threatening consequences. Very few people consider drug use a real problem in our community. Too many of us accept it because it is fun. It's time we realize that many of the new HIV infections are coming from those people who engage in drug use and have unprotected sex.

John's Story
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